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This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.

Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in. ”

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was drivin’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ‘em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!’”

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen? ”

“Er.. about two minutes ago. “

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be? ”

Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr! ” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds ”

Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir! “General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds ”

Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr! ”

General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son!”

As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky? ”

Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr! “

“Isn’t the principal a dummy! ” said a boy to a girl.
“Say, do you know who I am? ” asked the girl.
“No. ”
“I’m the principal’s daughter. ”
“And do you know who I am? ” asked the boy.
“No,” she replied.
“Thank goodness!”

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you? ” “My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek. “

“Johnny, where’s your homework? ” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. “My dog ate it,” was his solemn response. “Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that? ” “It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear,” insisted Johnny. “I had to force him, but he ate it! “