Fun, Funny, Hilarious, Relaxing Blog

AN astonishing new product called the iPad is popping up at shops all over the world, ­including on the street outside my office.

What does it do? I don’t know. How did it come to exist? That I can reveal. It all started with this scene at the headquarters of ­Apple Computers 18 months ago.

Two engineers are working on a MacBook laptop. Thud!

First engineer: “Oh no. The keyboard just fell off.”

Second engineer: “I got some glue somewhere.”

First engineer: “It would be just my bad luck if the door opened and Steve walked in right now.”

The door opens and their boss Steve Jobs walks in.

Steve: “So, what do you have there, guys? I hope it’s something cool and revolutionary.”

First engineer: “Er, yes, boss. It’s the first, er, keyboard-free ­laptop.”

Steve: “Interesting! But how do you type on it? You know ­everyone hates pressing ­on-screen keys.”

Second engineer: “Er, you buy a keyboard separately.”

Steve: “Sweet! I’m giving you two a pay rise and upgrading you to the monitor department.”
Two weeks later …

First engineer: “Oh no.”

Second engineer: “What’s wrong?”

First engineer: “I fed the wrong coordinates into the ­computer-aided design programme. This flat-screen monitor has come out ludicrously small. It would be just my bad luck if Steve walked in right now.”

The door opens and Steve walks in.

Steve: “What have you got there, guys? I hope it’s ­something cool and ­revolutionary.”

First engineer: “Er, yes, boss. It’s a new, portable flat screen TV.”

Steve: “But isn’t it too small for a family to watch movies on?”

Second engineer: “Everyone else has big flat screen TVs, but ours is deliberately too small. That’s the cool part.”

Steve: “Sweet! I’m giving you two a pay rise and upgrading you to the iPod department.”
Two weeks later …

First engineer: “Blast it.”

Second engineer: “What’s wrong?”

First engineer: “I was ­trying to make a new iPod Touch and forgot to change inches to ­centimetres in the computer-aided design programme. The thing has come out ­embarrassingly oversized. It would be just my bad luck if …”

Steve walks in. Steve: “What have you got there, guys? I hope it’s something cool and ­revolutionary.”

First engineer: “It’s a giant iPod Touch.”

Steve: “How do you get it in your pocket?”

Second engineer: “You can’t. You have to lug it around with your hands or in a bag. That’s the cool thing about it.”

Steve: “Sweet! I’m giving you two a pay rise and ­upgrading you to the iPhone ­department.”
Two weeks later …

Second engineer: “Steve’s coming. Have we got anything to show him?”

First engineer: “Let’s just show him these leftovers from our previous assignments.”

Steve walks in. Steve: “What have you got there, guys? I hope it’s something revolutionary.”

Second engineer: “Yeah, it’s a giant iPhone which is too big to hold up to your ear, so you can’t make calls on it. It doubles as a laptop with the keyboard broken off. At the same time, it’s an iPod Touch which you can’t fit into your pocket, and a flat screen TV that’s too small for the ­family to watch movies on.”

Steve: “Sweet!”

And so the IPad was born.

When i was a kid i used to pray for a new bike. But then I realised that the lord doesn’t work that way, so i stole one and asked him to forgive me!

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom,
”I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?”
Her mother replied, ”Of couse it is, dear.”
The next day, the blonde said, ”I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?”
Her mother replied, ”Of course it is dear!”
The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ”I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?”
Her mother replied, ”No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old.”

LOL. This one caught me off guard.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom! ”
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” the lawyer asked. “You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.”
“Oh, yes,” the jury foreman replied. “We all looked – but your client didn’t!”

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don’t do wonders cleaning up that horse shit, I’ll eat every chunk of it.” She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that? “He Salesman says, “why do you ask?” She says “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”